Super Mario Showdown and the Fatal Fireball

We had a Super Mario 3 competition at work. I jumped at the opportunity to represent my "pod" because Levi and I had been playing a lot of Mario 3 over that last month or two. I was also hoping to redeem myself after the 3v3 soccer tournament in which my very poor physical conditioning was largely responsible for our team's defeat.

Every now and then when Levi and I were playing Mario 2 or Super Mario World, I'd tell him that I have this Mario 3 contest at work so we should really be playing that so I could practice. He usually agreed, except he wouldn't let me play, so I didn't get much practice.

Practicing had to be done after Levi went to bed. First order business? Google Mario 3 "speed run". Wow. That looks impossible, but I learned a few good tricks. For example, somehow I never knew about the whistle in World 1 fortress, and the quicksand trick in 8-2, and the glitch through the wall trick in Bowser's castle (more on that one later).

Players had 30 minutes to get as far as possible. If multiple players beat the game, the fastest time won. I had to assume everyone knew about the warp whistles, and a run through the first two whistles puts you in world 8 in less than five minutes, so it really came down to the final level. My goal was beat it all before time ran out. During practice, I came very close the 30 minute mark, but didn't quite make it. I figured if I was on my A game I could do it on the big day.

The morning of the showdown finally arrived. I took Levi to preschool, he wished me luck, and on to work. I'm in the zone, feeling ready for anything, this is my time. Except my time slot isn't until 12:30... so I guess I have to get out of the zone and do some work. So I do.

Go time. 12:30. Back in the zone. 1985 NES plugged into a projector in a conference room, my closest allies show up for support. 3-2-1 go.

I'm feeling the nerves, but maintain focus. A perfect run through the first two whistles. "Time?" I yell. Kleber fires back "Two minutes and fifty seven seconds". Now we get serious.

I'm plugged into the game like the Wizard. Tank down. Ship down. Past the hands, the airship. Now it get's real serious. 8-1 smoked, 8-2 a little stumble, then smoked. I fly though the fortress, and breeze through the super tank.

"Time?" Eighteen minutes. The final showdown, Bowser's Castle. I never had problems with the castle so I smell victory. But therein lies the problem. I realized it soon after I went into the castle. In my practice games I always had a mushroom, so I could take advantage of the wall walking trick I learned from youtube, and waltz almost right up to Bowser's lair. Problem was, I was small, and didn't have any mushrooms in my backpack. Ok.. I thought... I'll just go the other way. I don't know the other way. I've never beat this small. What do I do?

My worst class in college was Combinatorics. My grade going into the final was not good, but the final was worth an enormous part of your letter grade, so I had chance. It all came down to the final exam. Combinatorics is a very logical subject. You basically have to solve a bunch of word problems about abstract things, and you're supposed to solve these by figuring out how to apply the principles and formulas they teach you in class. Problem was, I didn't know as many of these principles and formulas as I should have, and I definitely didn't know the ones I was supposed to know to solve the problem on that last page worth like a quarter of your final grade. So, I started thinking about how I was going to fit this class into my schedule next semester after I failed it. But then I starting thinking about the problem. I drew some pictures. Thought some more, drew some more pictures, and eventually I'm pretty sure I derived whatever formulas I was supposed to know because I didn't fail Combinatorics. Somehow, I solved that problem without knowing what I was supposed to know, for the first (and only) time in my life on the final exam when it mattered most.

So. Time to play through this castle without the shortcut for the first time when it mattered most. I went in doors that took me nowhere, looped back around to the beginning of the castle, got roasted by fireballs and zapped by lasers. I lost Mario after Mario. I was on tilt, walking into lava pits and making the same mistakes over and over. I was doomed.

Then somehow, I pulled myself together, and figured it out, but not before I burnt ten minutes. I strolled into Bowser's lair, standing tall, ready for the final showdown. "Time?" Twenty eight minutes and thirty seconds. Plenty of time, but this is the last chance. Do or die.

If you never battled Bowser before, here's an image:


You can't jump on his head. You have to dodge his fireballs and his very speedy butt stomp so that he hits the same piece of brick three times. Then he falls through and you win. First butt stop I get a bad roll. Bowser and his fireball give me a near impossible angle to jump through. Everyone concurs there's nothing I could've done about it. Shake it off. Mario's not super anymore, but he's still alive. Dodge to the side. Second butt stomp... perfect. Dodge to the side. Final stomp. This is it. If I can make sure Bowser hits that final strip of narrow brick while not getting hit by him or the fireball, I win. Wait for it, wait for it, NOW! I thread the needle and land safely while the King of Koopas falls to his doom. Victory.

Right?

At this point it gets a little fuzzy. I remember a wave of relief. I relaxed, defocused, and basically zoned out. Then I hear, "The door, the door! You have to go through the door to finish the game". Oh right. I better jump up there before my time runs out. So I do, but I didn't notice that the door hadn't opened yet, and I didn't notice the fireball coming right at my face. Then I saw it, but I was stuck in that DEATHTRAP of a doorway with NOWHERE TO GO! Could I duck? No! Jump! Hit the ceiling. Roasted. Cut the victory music and roll the game over sound.

I wish I was making this up, but that's exactly what happened. I wandered down to the cafe in a daze, grabbed a burger and tried to compose myself. Just a game... So close... Just a game... I had it... Just a game... Leah called. She could tell from my voice that it didn't go well. She has a way of making stuff like this seem very unimportant, so I kind of felt better, but not really. Let me talk to Levi, he'll understand my pain. I explained the whole situation. "...and then right before I went in the final door to the end of the game I got hit by a fireball!" He said, "How big was it?" I said, "The fireball? Pretty big." He thought that over a bit and said, "Maybe next time you can try harder."

Maybe next time I can try harder. It bugged me all day. Every time I wasn't completely focused on work, for just a second, I'd remember that fireball. So close... Just a game... Bowser was dead! Just a game... Apparently it made an impact on Levi too. Leah said he talked about Daddy losing to Bowser all day. He even volunteered to say his prayers before he went to bed. All he remembered was "help Dada do better at Mario and beat Bowser".

I'm going to bed. I'll feel better tomorrow, though I fully expect nightmares about doors that won't open and pixelated fireballs.